10. You refine heroin for a living but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
3. You were amazed to discover cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand but consider bacon unclean.